will i ever stop crying?

Because of the issues with my surgery and the pre-cancerous growth that was not carefully removed I was taken off of hormone replacement therapy shortly after my hysterectomy. At first that scared me, but I seemed to adjust rather well without them. Until recently.

For the first four weeks after surgery I was taking hormone pills, and although I seemed to cry at anything sad or remotely emotional, they were soft, slow, small tears. As time goes on these tears have become stronger, larger, and unstoppable. Whether I am having a deep emotional conversation or just hear a sad song, the tears start to flow and just don't stop.

This makes it difficult for me to have conversations with people because they think I am upset, emotional, sad, whatever the case may be, when in fact I just can't stop the flow of tears. It has been almost a year since my surgery and I am re-investigating natural remedies. Right now I would like to just not cry at the drop of a hat. I don't think that's too much to ask. Any suggestions?

a hormone moment...

My debit card expires at the end of this month. A normal occurrence in most of our lives. I received my replacement card in the mail last week. It's not an account I use often and I was in no hurry to open the mail.

I was paying bills, sorting mail, and all that good stuff, and I decided I would activate my new card. My choices were to call a toll free number or activate online. I chose to call. When I dialed the number I heard a message telling me to "please check the number and dial again." So I did. I checked the number and sure enough, it was the same one on the sticker. So I dialed again and this time, miraculously got through to the computer that would help me activate my card. I followed the prompts, entered the card number and the pound sign, entered the magic code on the back of the card, entered by telephone access code. And I was told that one of these pieces of information was incorrect. So I did the whole thing over again, only to be told, again, that this information was incorrect.

I knew I was inputting the correct information so I decided to go online and try that. I put in all the required information. Online it asked for further clarification of who I was. I dutifully gave the computer everything it asked for and was told I was wrong. Twice.

I have had this account for almost fifteen years. My birthday has not changed. The last four digits of my social have not changed, nor has my account number changed. But apparently the way my brain processed information has changed. I am befuddled. I felt so alone in that moment and I knew my information was correct but I didn't know what to do. So I sat there and allowed myself to cry for exactly one minute.

I enjoyed the crying and the tears. And then I called the bank. My card has been activated and I still have no idea which bit of information the phone and computer were not able to process. But I do know that my brain is working on two different levels. The one that thinks and the one that speaks, types and does all those outward things. Inside I am having a conversation about one thing but outside the conversation is competely different. Interesting! And I hope temporary!

the uncertain is always a bit confusing...

This week has been a tough one.  I'm pretty sure it's hormone related.  But how do you know for sure?  I think I have been a slave to my wavering hormones most of my life.  Now that I have had my hysterectomy and am not able to take any type of hormones, my body gets to do its own thing....whatever that may be!

Before my surgery I was given progesterone for three days.  It did not go well.   Let's just say I wouldn't revisit that pill.  For anything!  

One of my biggest downfalls, faults, whatever you want to call it, is not fully studying or learning the effects all these different hormones play in my body.  One doctor told me I should have enough estrogen in me to last a lifetime.  I don't know if he was joking or not, and I didn't ask.

But back to this week.  I hear insults where I think there may be none.  I know I am misinterpreting things a LOT.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  And if there is any amount of stress attached to any event in my life it is like pulling teeth to get me to do it.  It's no secret that I don't love my current job.  Today was so bad that I called and said I would be an hour late coming in.  On the drive there I started crying uncontrollably and literally got off the freeway, turned around and went home.  I had to go in later because I was the only person to cover the shift.  I just went in for the last part -- when I absolutely had to be there.  I drove into the parking lot and sat in my car and cried.  Huge tears streaming down my face for about five minutes.  It was all I could do to open the car door and get out.  I know this is a huge message and I get it.  But it's not so easy at this point and time, for a myriad of reasons.  So I do have a plan and I am signing up for a class that will help me change careers.  But that's another six months at this job and I don't know if I or my hormones can last that long.

a blessing in disguise?

I have been tracking my hot flashes, rather loosely, but trying to pick up on triggers and such. While the hot flashes are noticeable but bearable, what is really driving me crazy is the memory loss. Take the other day for example: I went upstairs to get X, got upstairs, looked at Y, found Z, and went back downstairs. Remembered X, went back upstairs, found T and W, went back downstairs. I did this five times. In 22 minutes. On the fifth time I wrote down X so I wouldn't forget when I got upstairs. Seriously. But funny, after the fact!

I came across this interesting little ditty today on the SparkPeople.com site:

"Women Don't Notice 40% of Their Hot Flashes
Lack of sleep, causing memory problems, likely culprits in finding," study says

THURSDAY, June 26 (HealthDay News) -- Women tend to miss almost half their menopause-related hot flashes, which are associated with memory problems, according to a University of Illinois at Chicago study that included 29 women with moderate to severe hot flashes.

The women wore monitors that measured skin changes during a hot flash. Both subjective (self-reported) and objective (detected by the monitor) hot flashes were recorded over 24 hours. The average number of objective hot flashes was 19.5 per day, about 40 percent more than were reported by the women.

The researchers also measured the women's memory. Previous research has shown that about 40 percent of middle-aged women report forgetfulness.

'When we looked at the relationship between the hot flashes that the women truly had -- that is, the hot flashes that the monitor picked up -- and memory performance on the cognitive tests, we found a very strong relationship. So, the more true hot flashes a woman had, the worse her memory performance,' lead author Pauline Maki, an associate professor of psychiatry and psychology, said in a prepared statement.

'In other words, the hot flash-memory relationship is not all in a woman"

happiness continues

I am finding that my hot flashes are a mild inconvenience. I have them for sure, and they can be annoying, horrible, frustrating..... it really depends on where you are. The other day I was trying on clothes. I've gained a little weight. Fifteen pounds. Enough so that I literally had no clothes. One pair of carpi's that were getting a little snug and two shirts that didn't quite cover the weight gain around the middle. My future step daughter said "haven't you worn that shirt three times this week?"

So off to the sale I go. Not wanting to spend a fortune, but I do need to have something to wear. I am trying on clothes and more clothes. I find some pants that are a bit snug, but a nice style, and a shirt that looks okay, may be a good professional shirt for work. So I jaunt out in my try-ons to find a size larger in the pant.

Let me say here that 99% of my clothing is cotton. I don't do polyester well. My body likes to breath under my clothes and even before menopause I did not do well in non-cotton clothing, be it polyester, wool, you name it. So here I am looking for a pair of pants, and anything else that catches my eye. Oh no, here it comes. A hot flash. Not a problem, I think. I've handled them well so far. But no, I'm in polyester and that seems to make it worse. So I am sweating, dripping in fact, the heat is emanating from my face and my body and all I can think is "GET THIS SHIRT OFF ME!" If I didn't have more "insert your own word here" I would have ripped that shirt off my body on the sales floor. It was all I could do to RUN back to the fitting room, get that shirt off my body and breathe!! And then I laughed, a good, healthy, rib-tickling laugh! I guess I just won't look at polyester anymore!

Living With Menopause: Everyday Tips

It's been a while since my last post. And while every day in life is an adventure I am thoroughly loving life! Several things I have noticed in the past few weeks:

• I can't remember anything
• I miss the possibility of becoming pregnant (didn't know THAT would happen!)
• I feel more myself than ever and more so with each passing day
• I love my fiance for understanding that when my "shortness of patience" starts he sees it, recognizes is, and doesn't throw it back at me. (more on this later but it allows me to breath and stop so that I am not going into full fledged "ugly" mode!)
• I can't remember anything
• I feel free
• I am eating healthier than ever in my life, exercising more and GAINING weight. Huh. So when I found this little ditty I was happy to know it's probably not just me.
  

These tips are nothing new and I've read them all before but somehow I never saw (or it never sank in) that you might actually gain weight. But as always, when you know better you do better. So now my plan of attack will have to include this new knowledge! And off I go.... probably to find more vegetables!

Living With Menopause: Everyday Tips: "Everyday Tips for Living With Menopause

Stay Healthy During Menopause
Menopause usually starts around age 51 but can begin as early as 30 or as late as the mid-50s.

During menopause, estrogen decreases, which can lead to many changes in your body. You may find it harder to fall asleep, or stay asleep. You may be irritable. You may find yourself gaining weight around your waist that is impossible to lose. You may have 'hot flashes,' a warm feeling that spreads up your neck and face.

To stay healthy during this time, the U.S. National Institutes of Health's National Institute on Aging recommends you:

* Eat a healthy diet, with lots of fruits and vegetables.
* Don't smoke.
* Make sure you get enough calcium and Vitamin D.
* Learn what your healthy weight is, and try to stay there.
* Do weight-bearing exercises.

-- Deborah DiSesa Hirsch

Last updated: July 2006"

The Vitamin D Cure

On Menopause - The Blog, Wendy posted this great article and interview. As someone who cannot currently take HRT I have been putting together my own little health regimen and Vitamin D tends to be at the top of the list from many sources I have found. (Which makes me glad I have been taking it for so long!) Here's a tidbit of good info:

“The Vitamin D Cure” Author Weighs In On the “It” Vitamin Since my blogpost about Vitamin D several months ago, I’ve noticed dozens of articles, research studies and even books about the “sunshine” vitamin. It seems to be the new “it” vitamin that everyone’s talking about. Vitamins A, B and C have had their 15 minutes of fame. Apparently, it’s D’s turn and, as my own physician said to me, “it’s hot.” To find out why, I contacted the leading proponent of Vitamin D, the author of “The Vitamin D Cure,” Dr. James Dowd , a rheumatologist and founder and director of the Arthritis Institute of Michigan. He responded to my questions by email, which I gladly share with you here. First, why is Vitamin D such a hot topic these days? Vitamin D is “hot” because relevant clinical studies have only just been published in the last 5-7 years. Prior to that, all the studies were laboratory research done by Ph.Ds. Books like The Vitamin D Cure and The UV Advantage have also rasied public" Read the full article @ Menopause - The Blog » “The Vitamin D Cure” Author Weighs In On the “It” Vitamin "