Friday, June 19, 2009

grieving what never was...

When you lose your uterus and ovaries funny things happens. I was always torn on the subject of children. Then I met my love and knew (I was SO certain!) that I didn't want children because I am in my mid-40's and I just don't want to spend the next twenty to forty years sharing my time with anyone but him.

Then came my hysterectomy. And then the hormones started to do their thing. And now I want a baby more than almost anything. I want children with this man. I want to raise them, enjoy their company, spoil them, discipline them, laugh with them, and maybe even occasionally at them. I want them to be at my side when I am old and gray and almost gone. If I go first I want to know they will be there for their father.

The realization that that will never happen is something I am grieving right now. Some of the tears that I cry I realize are tears of grief. I am grieving the loss of opportunity. The loss of things I never knew I wanted. It's kind of a crazy time. And I am facing it, walking right into, and hopefully, through it. And I will come out stronger than before. That is my light at the end of the tunnel.