Thursday, May 28, 2009

to be honest...

I started this blog for many reasons. I love to write. I don't know if I've loved it my whole life, but I have learned that it is a need I must fill. I love to share stories, and information, and knowledge. And yes, I believe information and knowledge are two different things. But I intended for this blog to be a humorous journal of my entry into and journey through menopause. A journal that I could look back on with wisdom, kindness, and maybe a little fondness. I haven't given this blog my full attention, but I have used it to express some of the heavier and more negative emotions.

But I have been holding back. And that was never my intention.

After my last posts I started taking Remifemin. It is a natural solution to HT (Hormone Therapy), and you take a pill in the morning and at night. I was having trouble remembering to take it at night and found that I was going up and down a lot. Way too much. I have friends who swear by the stuff but it wasn't the best solution for me. So I switched to Estroven, another natural solution. I felt relief almost instantly. I wasn't nearly as moody, and my (albeit mild) hot flashes were not nearly as hot. The only problem it has not resolved yet is my trouble getting hot and cold at night. I don't really get night sweats but I get hot and then extremely cold.

I am also very forgetful. It is almost like having no short term memory and that scares me. Mostly because I have no way of knowing if this is a short term problem (no pun intended) and side effect, or the beginning of a much larger problem. In addition to that my thoughts are quite mixed up. Almost like dyslexia in every aspect of brain power. My sentences sometimes come out all jumbled, like a puzzle. Although I cannot seem to control the jumbling, I have been able to slow down my thinking enough so that the words I use in the jumble can be easily understood by those around me. For example I may think I would like to have Chinese food for dinner tonight. But what comes out of my mouth may be something like dinner would be having Chinese. I can tell myself it is all temporary but how do I explain that to a future employer? Not a comforting thought when you are unemployed and seeking a new career.

I believe I have written that despite all the research I had done prior to my hysterectomy I was still not as prepared as I thought I was. I am still researching and finding information that I wish I had had a year ago. I do not know if it would have made any difference but I like to be mentally prepared. For example I have been having trouble loosing weight, which was expected, but somehow I missed the research about gaining weight during menopause. I have been having terrible joint pain and apparently that is also a side effect of menopause, but it was nowhere to be found in my prior research. I am having pains that scare the daylights out of me and I don't know how to tell when enough is enough.

The saddest part in all this is that I have little trust in the doctor who did my surgery and I have no one else to turn to in the medical profession. How do you find a doctor you can talk to and trust? How do you find a doctor who will listen to what you are saying rather than telling you how you should feel or else just ignore you all together? I feel a little adrift here.

So it is almost midnight and I was going to bed about two hours ago. The alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning and I like to read before I fall asleep at night. But as I was getting ready for bed I just started to cry and I couldn't stop. I am grieving, but that's another post.

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