grieving what never was...

When you lose your uterus and ovaries funny things happens. I was always torn on the subject of children. Then I met my love and knew (I was SO certain!) that I didn't want children because I am in my mid-40's and I just don't want to spend the next twenty to forty years sharing my time with anyone but him.

Then came my hysterectomy. And then the hormones started to do their thing. And now I want a baby more than almost anything. I want children with this man. I want to raise them, enjoy their company, spoil them, discipline them, laugh with them, and maybe even occasionally at them. I want them to be at my side when I am old and gray and almost gone. If I go first I want to know they will be there for their father.

The realization that that will never happen is something I am grieving right now. Some of the tears that I cry I realize are tears of grief. I am grieving the loss of opportunity. The loss of things I never knew I wanted. It's kind of a crazy time. And I am facing it, walking right into, and hopefully, through it. And I will come out stronger than before. That is my light at the end of the tunnel.

Menopause ~ Getting to Know YOU!

I can't imagine that I'm the only one who feels this way but a funny thing happened when I lost my uterus. I found myself. In so many ways I love the new old me. It's as if the me that was always there is finally uncovered, allowed to peek through, to see the light of day. And it's glorious. But more about that later.

Today I am having a tough day. I fell in love last year. Fell deeply in love with a man who deserves a good life. I found that I deserved a good life too. And while I thought I knew what I wanted I am finding surprises around every corner.

For years the older I got the more I was pretty sure I did not want to have children. I felt that it was something I had wanted when I was younger. That I didn't want to spend my older years worrying about my teenagers.

The funny thing is...I woke up the other day and knew that I should have had children. I recognized the fear that had held me back all these years. And I wondered what else I have been afraid of that I haven't been brave enough to see yet.

And as I sleep next to the man I have fallen in love with I grieve for what we will never have.